I have been deeply transformed by mindfulness and meditative self-inquiry and am called to share this with others.  In 2014, a childhood friend passed away in a tragic accident and on that same day, my grandpa got admitted to the hospital.  I quickly realized how impermanent life is and woke up to the realization that I was not living the life I wanted.  From there, I fell into a deep depression and state of confusion.  I stepped back from my life.  

 

In 2015, I left my job as an accountant and booked a one-way ticket to India.  A clean break, stepping into the unknown.  I didn’t know what I’d find there but I followed my gut.  I followed the curiosity.  It felt like there was nothing left for me in my old life.

And that’s where I attended my first Insight Meditation retreat (also known as Vipassana).  In those moments of silence, I discovered the missing piece that I had been searching for all along:  a way to find peace in every moment regardless of what was happening around me.  This was the starting point of my mindfulness journey. 

 

This glimpse of peace didn't start off smooth, though.  As I continued along this mindful path, many roadblocks arose: 

• I was shocked at how judgmental and negative my thoughts were.

• I was discouraged by how much “inner work” and “healing” was needed.  It felt as though I was just touching the tip of the iceberg. 

• I felt confused by the technique.  Am I doing this right?  What, exactly, am I experiencing here?

• I developed a face twitch.

• I withdrew from others and became even more alone and depressed.

 

These challenges invited me to go deeper to discover something more stable.  And that’s where meditative self-inquiry came in. 

 

By practicing meditative self-inquiry alongside my insight meditation practice, I became aware that my subconscious mind was constantly trying to protect me, and I developed a compassionate appreciation for this survival instinct.  Understanding that the perceived danger was no longer real, a letting go was facilitated.  Self-inquiry illuminated places where healing could take place and where insights could spontaneously arise. 

 

Going beyond the mind:  After some time sitting with thoughts, I noticed a part of me that was present to thoughts and not reacting to them, even if they were negative or steeped in fear.  This created an impersonal quality and opened a deeper dimension of peace.  I saw that I was not my thoughts and in that realization, came freedom.

 

And so, I discovered a practice set that helped me root into my own grounded clarity and continue to go deeper with courage, trust, compassion and equanimity.